Stop the abuse

Occasionally I meet up with some of ‘my guys’ for a night out in town. It typically goes on into the early hours of the next morning, and as a rule takes place on a Friday. On such days we prefer to go to places that offer the ‘naija beer parlour’ scene. When we started off we used hang out in ‘Oyibo’ run outfits, but in order to turn the volume up, we decided to start patronising Nigerian joints. If you have ever been to a Nigerian ‘joint’ and seen a group of Nigerians all shouting with and over each other, you will appreciate our preferred setting. I still never know why we all need to shout, sometimes at the same time, sometimes when we solely have the ‘floor’ just to make our point. Who am I to judge?

At any rate, these events are by and large carefully planned. Not carefully planned because you need to reserve tables or make sure everyone is on board. They are carefully planned in the sense that one needs to inform one’s partner/wife weeks before the date arrives. For most guys I know in jand, you don’t just wake up in the morning and say “Hi honey, I am meeting up with the guys for a drink after work. I will be back very late and possibly drunk. Please don’t wait”. Nope, you let ‘Madam’ know weeks before it happens, and you have to continually update ‘Madam’ as the day draws close. Sometimes, you need to be of you best behaviour days before the event. You try as hard as possible to ensure that nothing goes wrong. ‘Madam’ in some cases has to know who these ‘friends’ are. “You remember Paul, my school mate in Nigeria?” “Who is Paul? I don’t know anyone called Paul, anyway make sure you don’t come back drunk or too late, or you will have to sleep outside”. “Chei, in my own house” you mutter beneath your breath, not audible enough to rock the boat. As you leave you are conscious of those words, aware of the consequences.

The same story narrated from a ‘Naij’ view point may read.

Meet up with the guys and maybe your ‘babes’. Madam calls at about 11pm to ask where you are (She is worried). You shout and threaten and ask her to stop embarrassing you. You get home drunk about 2am, give her a good kicking and then tell her to pack her things and go back to her fathers’ house without the kids. OK this is an extreme, but it’s not far away from some of the gist one hears. These maybe inconsequential examples (not the latter example which sadly was a true story) that add details to a point that needs to be made. One society makes it difficult for men to needlessly abuse their partners, while another society either turns a blind eye or condones it. The former society - some claim - makes men ‘better’ partners, not because they naturally are, but because they grasp the consequences if they fall short of expected ‘standards’. The latter society gives men the choice of either being good and respectful partners or being ‘animals’. Whatever choice they make, they are almost free not to lose sleep about the consequences.

Paying the Price:

There is a growing belief that women who live in the ‘West’ - armed with the horror stories from their friends based in Nigeria – are becoming quite domineering and maybe extracting some retribution. Some of the guys feel that they are paying the price for the callous actions of their counterparts back home.

The only price I see being paid here is that of a long period of abuse. As Nigeria slowly crawls to join her counterparts in the civilised world, one hopes that abuse is subject to enforced criminal law. There are too many stories of mental and physical abuse coming out of Nigeria. There is an increasing lack of respect shown to our women – IT NEEDS TO STOP! - and we ain't just talking about the married folks only

Dedicated to ONE (Name withheld)

And....
BOOK: Back from the brink - Paul McGarth (Football Icon, Ireland-His dad was Nigerian)
BLOG: Monef's 10 things that irritate the shit out of me
MUSIC: Aurra - You and me tonight - http://youtube.com/watch?v=Z0lYW-MBKi4
SITE: 40 Under 40 Nigeria - http://www.40under40nigeria.org/

I love this city

I got an email from Omodudu wondering why I hadn’t updated my blog. I have been chillaxing a bit. Anyway, I am writing from a smart cafe in the City of London. I am here to see a friend and also do a bit of work. I am one of those lucky ‘sods’ that is required to come into the office between Monday & Friday, and work from any location of my choice on Thursday and Friday.

As I sit here knocking together this post, I watch as some of the bespoke suits, supposedly private equity workers, head in and out of their offices, moguls who truly seem to have everything. I try to pick out the city brokers that are on an annual bonus of more than $1m per annum (A record 4,200 City workers raked in bonuses of more than £1 million each last year), the ones that own custom-made yachts, the ones responsible for the ever increasing interest rates. I could have minted myself as one of them. I did apply to be a broker many moons ago, but I was told that my Nigerian University education was worth little. That frustration led me into IT, but ideally I would have loved to be one of these city workers.

Coming into the city via the tube, reminded me of all the reasons why I love this city. London is a huge, dynamic, multicultural and buzzing city. Every nation in the world seems to have a sizeable representation in London. Although largely white and Anglo-Saxon, more than a quarter of London's population is from an alternative ethnic background, making up half of the Britain's total ethnic minorities. This gives London the largest non-white population of any European city and is an important part of its cosmopolitan feel.

But that isn’t the only thing to love about this city (The skinheads will say that is everything to hate about this city). There is quite a bit to love about London, and it has nothing to do with the things that make a place urbane (i.e. electricity, water, fitting communications, practical transport network, access to proper health care, security and so on). I like the nightlife (London is world famous for its party vibe and non-stop nightlife. The capital is seething with after-hours drinking and dancing dens of all shapes and sizes. From the pulsating dance floors of major nightclubs to the chilled intimacy of smaller DJ bars, London has something to offer); the good quality world cuisines (I intend to eat my way around the world – shame I don’t like grub a lot); the lazy afternoons along London’s waterways; the all night shops, the street markets (Portobello, Camden, Brick Lane, Berwick Street, Stables Yard, Camden, Walthamstow, Ridley Road and Southall); Shopping (There isn’t a top retailer or a top fashion name that doesn’t have a presence in this city); the music (There are more than 1000 live events each year in this city); the top recreational activities; the parks (Hyde, Greenwich, Regent’s and Richmond Parks); the bars & pubs (Claridges most folks reckon is the coolest, yours truly hasn’t been there yet!); the free museums and galleries; being able to watch top class football (Come on Arsenal!!); the O2 (What a venue, nice to know someone put good use to the £750 million millennium dome); the appreciation of houses (someone said most homes increase in value by £50 each day); the cinemas; the carnivals; the opportunities – the list is endless. And then there is the Olympics - coming soon.

London still has its ‘knockers’. You always get the odd deluded ‘fruit ball’ naij visitor who thinks that Lagos or Abuja will give London a fun for their money in all aspects. There is also the London based Nigerian who thinks there is no ‘fun’ in this city. London is expensive, crime is on the rise, racial intolerance is also on the increase, interest rates are heading northwards, there is also the Northern and Victoria line nightmare, the A406, the proliferation of ridiculously names Nigerian churches, the Nigeria High Commission, the traffic lights on Lordship lane that always seem to be stuck on red, right hand drive cars (nothin’ dey make fine car wowo like RHD) – this list could also go on.

But I still love this city, and will only swap it for Umevu, in Mbaise.

Remain blessed

The Blog Family

Calabar Gal celebrated one year of ‘blogging’ yesterday. What an excellent blog that sister has. Her post, dedicated to her dad, is one of the finest I have ever read. I don’t know Calabar Gal, never met her, don’t have a clue what she looks like (The pictures of her race aside).

We are both Londoners but I wouldn’t be able to pick her out in a crowd. But somehow I think I know her well. The same applies to everyone that I consider part of my blog family. From their posts one develops a mental picture of what they stand for and in some way you bond with them. For those in my family, you have make such a huge difference in my life..more of a difference than some of the folks I see on a daily basis (Thank you!!).

"The way of the world is meeting people through other people."

Blogging in many cases presents a channel where folks post personal diaries, provide opinions/commentary on a particular subject et cetera. On its own, one forms a connection with the subject and not the author. Comments are left in an interactive way and further discussions develop from there. That is the idea, and now and again one wonders whether that should just be it (more of that later in this post).

I am addicted to this experience dubbed blogging. I may not be a regular columnist (I once took a long sabbatical), but I am an avid reader. Everyday, just before all hell kicks off, I make sure that I read every new blog emanating from my ‘family’- Thanks to my trusted RSS reader.

"Informal conversation is probably the oldest mechanism by which opinions on products and brands are developed, expressed, and spread."

I unconsciously break my family into indistinct groups. The ones that danced to Gwen Guthrie’s "Ain't Nothin' Goin' on But the Rent" in secondary school and still remember Nigerian musicians like Dizzy K Falola; those that were still in Primary School when Soul II Soul’s “Back to life” was in vogue; and the others. One thing they all share is a high degree of intelligence and ingenuity. Within this group, one sees optimism, future leaders, role models, celebrities in the making, and stars in every one of them. These guys are ready to step out onto the next level. Some of them are already on that level (Some of the girls feature in the True Love Magazine), and collectively should ensure that the rest of the ‘family’ follow suit. They all need to showcase their skills on a bigger stage.

"It's not what you know but who you know that makes the difference."

BlogIdols kicked things off with a concept that showed the ingenuity that most of these guys have. AfricanLoft is also taking it to another level. Others are doing their thing – publishing, Nollywood, IT – name the profession and there is a family member you can call on. One thinks that there may be many opportunities that this 'family' can and should explore collectively. One a smaller scale - networking a bit more, discussing ideas (business or otherwise), letting others know what you are really good at, asking for advice, offering tips etc - will go a long way in making each of us better people [Human synergy].

"It isn't just what you know, and it isn't just who you know. It's actually who you know, who knows you, and what you do for a living."

This family is a haven in a funny world.

My family is made up of: Sokari, Ijebuman, Akin, Ijeoma, 9jamommy, AmaraEee, A Nijawife, Adefunke on…adefunke, African Shirts, Snazzy, AltNigeria, Bab’s House, Bella Naija, Bimbylads, Bitchy in the city, Break of Dawn, Calabar Gal, Chameleon in London, Chippla’s Weblog, Chude!, Chxta’s World, Endi’s World, Eye Spy, Gbeborun of Lagos, Grandiose Parlor, In my mind, TaureanMinx, Just thots by a naijaman, law_damsel, 36 inches of brown legs, Linda Ikeji, Mandy Brown-Ojugbana, Monef, Musing of a Naijaman, Naija Talk, Naija to the core, Chidi, Naija Vixen, Ugo Daniels, Nilla’s Spin, Nneka, Nyemoni, Oluniyi David Ajao, Jeremy,
Vera Ezimora,Omodudu, On a lighter note, Opeke’s Memoirs, Oro, Ranting of a naija babe, Uzo, Lady A, Simply Desola, Stuck in my throat, Temi Kolawole, The Chronicles of my life Pursuit, The mind of Engineer AYO, Ms May, Adaure, Dilch, Two, Waffy girl in Europe, Onada, Molara Woods, Yankeenaijachick, LondonBuki, Morountodun, Chioma, Mrs Somebody, Pseudo-Independence, so-obscure, Kpakpando, solomonsydelle, Beyond, Simply Gorgeous, Pink Satin, Mimi, Ogoja Princess, Moody Crab, Vera Ikeji, Jaja, Boso, Olawumi, My 2 cents, Catwalq, Twinstaiye, Ola, Adeolu, Freddy, (Wienna - start a blog!) - Quite a big Family.